January can be just a down and out kind of month. Add to that cold, snow, ice and general boredom, and you have a farm full of animals who “wish to make a complaint!”
Tony and Caroline:
COMPLAINT: “It’s raining. Bleah.”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “we’re so grateful to have this cute barn to snuggle in.”
REBUTTAL: “aww c’mon, man, we’re not snuggling and we’re trapped in here!”
Looks like we have some work to do….
Jean-Claude:
COMPLAINT: “When I am stealing a bucket of feed I don’t appreciate Clyde trying to butt in.”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “JC, we feel that you need to learn to share. It will make you a better person.”
REBUTTAL: “First of all, I’m a llama and not a person. Second of all, I do not feel that I could be any better than I am. It is impossible. Third of all, he shouldn’t be trying to eat out of the bucket that I have stolen.”
Stephanie:
COMPLAINT: “I hate it when people wake me up from my nap!”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “This is very understandable, Stephanie. Perhaps you can modulate your reaction. Maybe a little meditation would help.”
REBUTTAL: “I WAS meditating, you knucklehead. What about the word ‘nap’ are you having difficulty with?
Sport:
COMPLAINT: “ I have repeatedly submitted incredibly compelling and high-quality photos to CGQ* and yet never get a response (* Cat Gentlemen’s Quarterly).”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “Sport, well, while indeed you are exceedingly handsome, we do believe that inner beauty is more important.”
REBUTTAL: (we’re sorry we cannot print the words that Sport had to say about this. We have come to understand, however, that inner beauty is not something he puts much stock in.)
George the chinchilla (on the right):
COMPLAINT: “People keep trying to boop my nose.”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “George. You’ve been around the block a time or two. You know that your nose is positively irresistible. Have a little sympathy for those of us who don’t have cute noses. Can you work on understanding the other side of the story?”
REBUTTAL: “I will bite you.”
Well, I guess that settles it.
Walter the Muscovy duck:
COMPLAINT: “I’m gorgeous and yet people pay more attention to the llamas and alpacas than me.”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “Dear beautiful Walter, we know that you came here all by yourself and had been abandoned by some cruel human. We understand that you want to rise above your past. We all think that you are gorgeous, but you are just a little bit short and sometimes people don’t notice short animals. It is a sad and true fact. Perhaps you can adjust your attitude and be glad that you are fed wonderful food every day and that you have great friends who are the same height as you..”
REBUTTAL: “That’s really lame. I’d better be in the calendar next year..”
Bruno:
COMPLAINT: “My mom keeps trying to remove my icicles. I think they make quite an impressive fashion statement.”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “Bruno, we were just trying to make you more comfortable -- but we respect your desire to adorn yourself as you wish. Maybe you can just forgive us for caring. ”
REBUTTAL: “Do you understand? Do you? I've been working for years to achieve this look. But ok, thanks, I guess.”
Caroline:
COMPLAINT: “My coat keeps scooching off to the side and I look doofy.”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “Sweetie, you look gorgeous in your snazzy red coat. Think of it as being like. French beret, casually and fashionably tilted.”
REBUTTAL:”The right side of my bottom is cold.”
She does have a point.
Big Al the rabbit.
COMPLAINT: “Lookie here: we have a cat perching on top of the RABBIT refrigerator, sticking her CAT bum into my face. She is either shameless or dumb as a box of rocks. Sheesh.”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “Al, Tabitha is somewhat of an athlete and I guess she was just having to prove a point. But I can’t say as I blame you. The view was not exactly stellar, but at least she didn’t pee. 🤷♀️ Maybe you can just chalk it up to her being a CAT 🐈.”
REBUTTAL: “OK, next time I’m running around the house just let her see how SHE feels when I jump into HER space. Everybody knows thar rabbits are dominant over cats. 😈.”
Editor’s note: everyone’s getting a little bit grouchy with this weather so please excuse Al. He is usually a sweetheart.
Dorrie the alpaca:
COMPLAINT: “The cafeteria is so crowded all the time! Used to be, a guy could get a quiet mouthful of hay if he arrived early (SMH).”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “Dorrie, we set up a totally new self-serve station behind the barn. You might find more peace there.”
REBUTTAL:”The horse is there. I can’t eat with a horse. It’s just not done.”
George the pig.
COMPLAINT: “I don't like it when people watch me eat.”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “Dear George, I know you love your privacy and you always get room service in your private quarters. But it's snowing out and the other animals refuse to move. You could thank me for protecting your food while you ate?”
REBUTTAL: “Well, you did. And you hit your head on the ceiling trying to keep the other beasts away. But that meant that YOU were watching me eat. We need to find a better system.”
Gladys the vulture:
COMPLAINT: “Hey yous guys, hey I got no complaints to regista, ya know? I mean, like, dis is a cool place here.”
SUGGESTED ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT: “Wow Gladys, seriously?”
REBUTTAL: “Yeah, well, I mean if you want a complaint, ya know, how’s about a few more dead bodies? Jes’ sayin’.”
