My dear Herr Santa Klaus,
I don’t know how it happened, but this year I learned German. I just picked it up in my free time. What they say is true: we pigs are really quite extroardinarily smart, ja, sehr klug! I’m a good pig. I promise if you make my wishes come true I will stop trying to steal Hazel’s food.
Herr Klaus, I will be 8 years old this coming year. Although I am no longer a rebellious young pig, I sometimes (all right, almost always) refuse to eat my greens. I simply like sweet fruits and starches better. But that means I need a supplement. Children’s vitamins are quite good for pigs like me. Would you please send me some? It will help me feel healthy.
Now, also sometimes I get dry skin in winter. Doesn’t that happen to you, too, Santa? Well I have done a great deal of extended research and the solution is marvelously simple! Sehr einfach! Coconut oil! You can eat it, you can get a massage with it, you can even have a pig wrestling match with it (Hazel, I hereby challenge you!).
Now anyone knows me knows that I hate having my toenails trimmed. I holler and shriek and carry on. It doesn’t hurt, it’s just that I don’t like other people messing with my feet. But I have some issues with my rear hooves curving over and sometimes the regular hoof trimmer doesn’t quite do the trick. I think if the farm had a cordless dremel, then that would help Farmer Anne and the kids do a fast and easy trim on my toesies and they wouldn’t have to be scrambling around looking for a plug and an extension cord.
I would very much enjoy some visitors who come especially to see me, to give me treats, and to rub my belly which is just about my favorite thing in the whole universe, after a healing mud bath. Would you please send me a sponsor, Herr Klaus?
I hope this has been a cordial and efficient letter and that I will hear from you very soon.
Mit herzlichen Grüßen,
Star Gazing Farm
16760 Whites Store Road
Boyds, MD 20841