Animal News: The Chronicles of Newman and other Stories
Going head to head with Mr. Newman Goat
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| I am just so handsome, I can't stand it. |
Newman has been neglected lately. The farm has been a hubbub of activity and quite frankly, he's behaved himself so well that aside from a few car invasions when pieces of mail were eaten there has been little need for intervention. But that makes a Newman Goat feel bad. So bad, in fact, that it has come out that he secretly got in touch with one of his sponsors and told her a long sob story, so she subsequently sent him a card in the mail intimating that she wanted to go out dancing with him. I'm really not kidding here. I get bills and ads for Home Depot and Newman gets mash notes from women.
Despite his evident appeal for the ladies, Newman is really a guy's guy. He might think that it's my cookies and midnight backscratches that he's been missing lately, but the truth is, girls, that Newman needs that man to man stuff. Happily the other day we had a visitor from a workman. Turns out his company wasn't able to do anything for my particular homeowner's problem (isn't it always the case), but the guy grew up on a farm in El Salvador and when he found out I had a pig, all regret at a trip wasted faded instantly. He asked me could he please, please visit with my pig.
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| Tetsuro, the shy guy |
We trooped out to the back pasture where Tetsuro has been taking daily sunbaths. Now, Tetsuro is a shy guy. He's about 400-pounds-with-long-pointy-tusks of a shy guy. You don't want to startle him. Lately Tetsuro has decided that belly rubs are OK by him. There's a science to it, and you have to start on the nose, then scratch the top of his back, moving slowly to the tummy so as not to cause him to scream and run. But once he gets a good scratch going down there he just tips over, all 400 pounds of him, exposing his darling 400 pound tummy. Did you know that pig's tummies are as soft as silk? Well this belly rubbing thing was going on when along came Newman.
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| Would YOU go head to head with this dude? |
I'm thinking of evaluating future potential dates by their reaction to Mr. Newman Goat. Forgetting all about his interest in swine, this Salvadorean guy started by grabbing the horns and shaking gently (need to control, minus 10 points). Then Newman rubbed up against him, starting with the cheek and chin against the body and moving swiftly to the horn in the groin. The Salvadorean guy seemed to think this was just fine (tolerance+sense of humor, plus 15 points). Then the guy made an unprecedented move. He placed his forehead against Newman's forehead and pushed. Look, I love Newman I really do, but I draw the line at mutual head butting. Well this went on for a while, and then the man's baseball cap fell off. What did he do? He placed it on Newman's head and stood there admiring the spectacle. OK by now I'd given up counting points because this guy is off any scale I've ever devised and besides, I was laughing too hard. And no, in case you're wondering I did NOT go on a date.
Till next time,
Farmer Anne
Star Gazing Farm
http://www.stargazingfarm.org
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