Animal News: The Chronicles of Newman and other Stories
Mr. Newman owes us one
It started with the disembowelment of my back porch. Or was it the busted down barn door? The incidents tend to blur together, but I do know the way he took out each dowel from my nice side deck, one by one, was final proof that Mr. Newman Goat was determined to engage in architectural warfare.
Mr. Newman arrived here on a cold March night in 2002 and since that time has made more friends than any of us had in third grade, eaten items inconsequential, dangerous, and inconvenient (like that check to the IRS), broken into numerous vehicles, terrorized neighbors, and learned that the best place of all is the living room couch. He's also caused approximately $3,236.54 worth of property damage. The last appraiser that came out here looked askance at the back porch and noted a negative in the final report. Now, I'm not really a material girl. I can count on one hand the pieces of "real" furniture I've ever bothered to purchase, and I'd rather read a book than bother about hanging drapes. Nevertheless, when a goat comes busting through your French doors scattering glass and French door accoutrements around your home office, it tends to get your attention.
It wasn't just for Newman's sake that I decided to incorporate the farm as a non profit entity, and being as phobic about paperwork as I am bored of housework, it took a while. But now that we are a, yes folks, Charitable Institution, I've decided it is the right time to do a little accounting. We have more visitors coming to the farm these days, folks who may want to know why the deck "was never finished" or the back porch is a scene from rural West Virginia. We're now a public entity and have to answer to our donors! We need to clean up our act! Yes sir, and that is why we've created the Mr. Newman Goat's Debt Fund. Through donations to this fund we will enable Mr. Newman Goat to work off his debt of $3,236.54 to Star Gazing Farm!
I'm sorry, let me change that to $3,241.54. Last week he broke into my truck and ate half of five one dollar bills.
As a side note, given the level of destruction and continued B&E behavior, we did consider the local incarceration facility but determined that through community service and fundraising we could better accomplish the rehabilitation process. Plus, his girlfriends would have raised a ruckus. We've given him a head start on the repayment plan by producing T-shirts for his fans http://www.stargazingfarm.org/help/products.php. We're working on a television commercial contract and from now on, anyone who wants his picture taken with Mr. Newman will need to drop $10 into the goat-proof bucket and sign over all reproduction rights. Yes sir, we're getting serious. Now, I'm just wondering --- it is possible to trademark a goat?
Till next time,
Farmer Anne
Star Gazing Farm
http://www.stargazingfarm.org
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