Dear Farmer Anne
29 November, 2005
Dear Farmer Anne,
I'm dreading this winter. I get depressed and reclusive. Do you know any way I could get in touch with my inner Newman. Newman's never depressed and never bored. I need the ability to, sometimes, get somewhat excited, even if it is at a handful of grain. Even the ability to know the grain so I can go against it, just like Newman, would be helpful. I thought that knowing my inner Newman would help me survive. Is there any "Inner Newman" mantra, or "Newman Imaging" that can be used for meditation. Please help!
Sincerely,
Humdrum in Silver Spring
Dear Humdrum,
The most important thing to remember when invoking your Inner Newman is to ensure that you make those around you less comfortable than you are. This is Newman's secret key to psychic peace. At dinner, I'd suggest reaching over and stealing some of your family's food. Better yet, just put your whole face in their plate. When it's cold, gather up all the blankets in the house, pile them in a corner, and sit on them. Threaten anyone who comes near. Always be the first to welcome guests when they arrive, and then pick their pockets.
By following these three basic steps you will be well on your way to New-vana. However, if all else fails, pick up a shovel and head out to the farm.
Farmer Anne
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