The Chronicles of Newman (and other farm stories)

4 August, 2008

I don’t personally know any farmers who have successfully been able to grow crops and keep goats within the same 5 mile radius, but I’m sure they exist… somewhere.

Some years ago when my mother discovered the joys of the Internet, she mysteriously fastened onto the Iowa corn growers web site. “Look”, she exclaimed excitedly, “it’s a corn cam! You can actually watch the corn grow.” I was a cynical and impatient daughter and had no time for watching corn grow, nor even for entertaining a notion why this might be remotely of interest to my housebound mother. In an effort to please her, however, several years in a row I planted corn seeds in my garden, and each year some beast got in and destroyed them before any little kernels were even a gleam in their stalks’ eye. “Look ma, I tried”, I said. One thing I have to concede to my mother, however, she did understand all about Mr. Newman Goat. (more…)

25 July, 2008

In recent weeks the farm has been receiving dropped-off donations for our annual yard sale. People have driven relatively long distances to make their donations. Which is touching and kind. And then they say, “you know, I really need to meet Mr. Newman Goat”. (more…)

9 June, 2008

A colleague of mine recently pointed out, “your animals really seem to be escape artists”. Contrary to what you all are smugly thinking about my handyman skills, this was not in reference to faulty fencing. (more…)

6 April, 2008

People always assume that farmers get up before the dawn. Since I grew up in the city, I couldn’t tell you why. Is it to milk the cows? And why would cows prefer to be milked before the sun comes up? You’d think a new mother would have had her hands full all night and might appreciate a bit of extra shuteye in the morning. But noooo, those serious farm dudes in flannel shirts get up at 4 and are yanking on her poor tired udder not realizing that SHE had not had the benefit of a cup of coffee. (more…)

8 January, 2008

From time to time people have tried to give Mr. Newman a middle initial. Not a middle name, just a middle initial. We had Mr. Newman T. Goat (T being for the compost tea we were thinking about marketing). Mr. Newman P. Goat (you can guess what the P stands for). Somehow nothing has really stuck. So for years it’s been just “Mr. Newman Goat”. I would now like to amend this to Mr. Newman I. Goat. I=”I’ll try anything once.” (more…)

29 November, 2007

Some years ago I saw a survey posted on the Internet about how many animals people slept with; the results were both surprising and heartening. There are actually people out there with more beasts in their bed than me! (more…)

18 October, 2007

When I was a child, every Christmas I would ask Santa for “100 kittens”, which my parents mercifully never considered. I certainly never guessed that instead of 100 felines I would someday acquire two 1800 pound bovine equivalents. Complete with horns. (more…)

5 August, 2007

Those of us who care for animals in our “free time” (e.g. we haven’t gotten a degree nor do we have an office with a title that certifies us to do official things with animals) often get labels slapped on us like: “a bit nutty”, “just a dog person”, crazy cat lady”, “softie”, “sucker”. Yet despite our patent lack of qualifications, it’s assumed that any animal problem that arises is something that we will not only know how to deal with but WANT to deal with. I’ve had people show up at my front gate with baby fawns with the excuse “well, you ‘do’ animals, don’t you?” (more…)

1 August, 2007

For those of you who have met Mr. Newman Goat — and for those of you who have not, but wish you had — you will know that of course he is a “car guy”. Very early in his stay here at Star Gazing Farm he taught himself how to open up my truck doors with his mouth, aided by his nose and horns (it’s actually about a 5 step process which tells you something about his IQ not to mention his persistence). What might not be known is that goats have an incredibly strong sense of smell, and Mr. Newman is no exception. That is to say, should one be carrying a box of Dunkin Donuts in the cab of the truck, a goat might get wind of them. (more…)

13 July, 2007

I found this on my computer today after having been gone a long number of hours. I cannot take responsibility for the content or the traumatic effect it may have on you or your children.

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The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Goats
By Mr. Newman Goat
Chief Architectect and Demolition Expert, Star Gazing Farm

1. Don’t be shy. Never. I mean, not ever. Shy does not exist in our vocabulary. A reticent goat is a sheep. (more…)